Anger and resentment.

It's odd having nobody to come home to and nobody to be responsible for.  It makes me sad every day for the life that I left behind when my relationship with Natasha turned to dust.  This sunday as I sat on the porch as the ran poured down I felt all the hate over the end of our relationship wash over me.  

Why is it that I left you when you also left me.  Alone and without purpose

Why is it that when you are stuck in a house that is haunted by memories I am stuck in my past and have traded my freedom away. 

why is it that when you are angry it is OK to be bitter and unreasonable. 

What happened to being understanding of my fault and understanding when I fucked up.  Goddamn it I was understanding when you made a host of mistakes.  

why is it ok to forget about how much you are hurting your son by making this decision

why is it ok to ask for me to change when there is no promise that you would even attempt to do the same.  and in the past the promises that you made for change were just ash in the wind.

why is that acceptable to ask me to accept the blame for our relationship falling apart when I want to fix it.  while you want to sit back and move on.  

Why is it accpetable to ask me to be your friend and forget that I just want you to be mine again to forget how much you ask is insane and inconsiderate.

why is it acceptable to say "you know what I like most about us being broken up that I don't need to be nice to your friends"  that is a shitty thing to say.  

Why is all this acceptable and ok while I just want our life back.  I am moving the fuck on.  I am done with the sadness and heartbreak that your bring in spades.  I wish you would want me back in your life but if you are going to be such a spiteful person why would I want that.  

Remember you left me.  I said what I felt and you walked away. I wanted to have us work through a hard time like we did in the past.  Fuck you and seeing abandonment.  I would have walked through hell for you

Beginings

Today was a wonderful day.  I got breakfast with Kevin which is something that I have missed dearly.  After breakfast I got to see Bob Rogers give a talk about political cartooning.  That was a really good experience for me I love to see how creative people do their work and it was amazing to see someone whose work I have read for so long in such an intimate setting.  There were 4 other people in the room it was amazing that he was speaking to such a small audience.  After the talk I came home and started working on my ext step in moving on form that Natasha mess.  I started up an OK Cupid profile.  I defiantly started it because OK Trends is awesome and I was totally sold on it by the "Hacker News".  This was an awesome experience for me.  I am moved on.  I am going to find someone new.  and it will be fantastic.  I will finally have that companion that will share the movies that I love and the books that I love and the music and goddamn it I deserve it.  After I started work onmy OK Cupid profile I went to see Guster with Nick and I remembered that Natasha would never have came to see them with me.  There is no reason for me to have that as my life.  I need someone who will be excited about the stuff that i am excited about and will be willing to be involved in those things.  God today was a day that I needed to happen.   I am so excited about tomorrow and the possibilities that it brings.  Here's to reading an obscure Michael Moorcock novel and listening to some Down.

On Resolutions

I started this thing to see if I could learn to write better.  I have hit the wall that I knew that I would.  I had a terrible couple of days but at the end of the day I think that it's important that I stick to this.  Resolutions are like that it's easy to skip a day or 2 then the whole thing turns to ash.  I found that this applies to all of my resolutions and that it becomes much easier to skip future instances if you have already established that skipping is OK.  I think that in time this will be more something that I do like brushing my teeth I just need to establish that it cannot be ignored.  I think that discipline is something that I will need to feel together regardless of how actually together I am I need that structure and I have been operating too long without it.

Nick is home.

My brother Nick just got back from his trip to Vienna.  I really missed him while he was out.  It's odd in that I forget about how important it is to me that he is around.  I also am having a hard time getting over the fact that he is his own person now. I have been slowly getting used to him moving on with his life but it's scary because he decidedly does not need me.  If anything I need him and that is not something that I am used to.  I think that it's hard for me to not be needed and if there is anything that I fear it is someone not needing me anymore and moving on.  Not in a malicious sense but in the fact that I am a rather poor companion.  I don't know how to articulate that except that I was watching Doctor Who and I felt like I have a tendency to be the odd one out when I am feeling like I am not needed.  Today's episode had The Doctor and his companion Amy Pond going on an adventure.  The twist for this story was that the doctor brought along Amy's boyfriend along for the adventure.  It was sad because I saw some of myself in there.  The boyfriend was an amazing and perceptive guy but he was not comfortable with the new role that he was in.  It was hard for him.  I shouldn't have been moved by that or identified with it I should have identified with the suave and charming Doctor but I rarely do.  It's an odd world.  When Nick got back we talked and we may be going to see the John Butler Trio again.  That would be amazing but if it's not in the cards we will have this weekend together and we will be able to catch up before he goes away again.

Dust and Illusions

Today I went to go see a movie about the Burning Man Festival called "Dust and Illusions" . I had heard about Burning Man in the past and had considered going this year. After seeing the movie I will not be going anywhere near the burning wheel. I think that it's hard for me to remember that even the coolest ideas will be slowly whittled away at over time and it hurts to see that happen. I felt like I was watching a documentry about NERO or about some of my favorite bands or fiction works. What happened to the Burning Man is that was focused on being outside of culture is now it's own clulture. Like when they tried to do Woodstock in 1994 and everybody was dissapointed that even though they had the biggest bands in the world there putting on a show there was not that spark that would make the whole thing work. The trouble with that spark is that it is not something that is easy to identify and sometimes it's not sustainable. One of the things that struck me most about Burning Wheel was the conversation that I had on the cliffside the last time that I was at batch. While we were sitting there on that rock there were people that were canoeing down the river and there were college kids partying in the next camp with 4 wheelers and the whole place stopped being somewhere special and it started being just another park like Racoon Creek or something like that. That feeling of loss was exactly what this movie brought out in me. I felt like while I was watching the movie I was seeing something that was dying and in some ways it was unavoidable.

And so it was...

Well I need to start writing. I don't really have a need to do game fiction and to be honest I'm not sure how rewarding that will be to me going forward. But I do need to get my thoughts in order and I need to practice writing and the only way to do that is by actually writing. I also think that I could do to be more open. So here goes nothing. I am going to try to do one entry a day of some reasonable length. Also I will post them each day instead of agonizing over them like I am want to do. So here goes.